The Beginning of Peace

 

            When Patches, a cocker spaniel, came to live with me he was five years old. Having been raised alone, he wasn’t particularly social, but never mean. One day he and I were out when I stopped to talk with a neighbor. In the process, her dog became snarly and it was interesting to watch Patches. He didn’t seem scared, nor did he react defensively, rather he quickly walked to the other side of me, effectively putting distance between the other dog and him. Because of his actions, peace prevailed. Oh, how I wish I had been like him throughout my life. It’s so easy to attack when you feel threatened. This reminded me of a story that happened many years ago when I first moved to Houston:

            Somewhere in my youth, I lost myself and believed that I wasn’t important, only what I could do was significant. Of course, my actions had to include always being nice and good. This feeling of worthlessness as a young adult was apparent in many ways, but one of the most obvious was in my appearance which seemed grow worse with time. I’m not talking about glamour or beauty, but one that said “I’ve given up. I have nothing to offer, no need to try to look my best.” The day of having to confront my unconscious self-loathing is a time I will never forget.

            When a friend came to my office to go to lunch, she met one of the single men there, and the immediate chemistry between the two was obvious. Even though he was of no interest to me, her coming into my territory and connecting was way too much. He’d never shown interest in me! Once again, I felt rejected, and very much the victim.  After getting home from work, I marched upstairs to my apartment, slammed the door, and raised my voice to God intending to say. Why does this type of thing always happen to me? I got out the word why when the answer to the rest of the prayer came. Pictures of this other person and the differences in the way we presented ourselves played out before my closed eyes. While she made the best of what she had, my appearance was one of “I don’t care, whatever.” The conscious prayer had started out with victim written on my heart blaming God for letting this happen and making me feel, once again, left out; and anger with my friend for crossing my boundaries and being successful. But the answer to the prayer put the blame on my unrealized rage at a world that said I didn’t matter.

             “Okay, it’s not their fault. What to do now.” Obviously, I did what many thinking women would do—I called a beauty salon, went in and had my hair and my makeup done. I even lost a night’s sleep feeling guilty over spending so much money buying the makeup, but in the light of day decided it was worth the sacrifice. Though this may sound like a silly story, and to some antifeminist, it was a pivotal point that put me back on the road I needed to travel toward that slow process of gaining self-respect.

            Thought: These stories are two different pictures of preserving the peace. Tranquility did not happen by winning an argument or acting out in destructive ways.  Patches averted his problematic situation by walking away. Mine required understanding, admission to my own culpability, and the willingness to work through the problem.

Depart from evil and do good;

Seek peace and pursue it.

Psalm 34:14 (New American Standard Bible)

Comments

  1. Margaret ShilstoneNovember 2, 2020 at 1:43 PM

    Thank Mary Frances. You have an amazing insight not only into yourself, but in God’s voice within.

    ReplyDelete

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