When Shouts of Ho, Ho, Ho and Merry Christmas Make You Feel Sad

 

Have the well wishes of the holidays, the music, and twinkling lights ever made you want to close your eyes and hold your ears? It’s easier, and more socially acceptable to paste a smile on your face while wishing for a sabbatical from life with the ability to return when the holidays are over. I’m not being cynical or sacrilegious, but the reality is that problems can make this time of year difficult. What to do? First, I urge those whose hearts are hurting to realize you’re not alone and to be kind to yourself.

            We may need our own space and a break:  Years ago, I was asked to play for a wedding for a couple I had never met. All I knew was that the mother of the bride was flying in and the father was attending with his wife. The night of the rehearsal, the bride’s mother hung out with me. My suspicion was she used this time and space to gather her strength before facing what was probably festivities laced with not only joy, but also bad feelings and awkwardness.  Don’t neglect that need to carve out the needed space to find your inner peace. I would add that in these moments, turning to the book of the Psalms might help lift your mood. Some of my favorites are: Psalms: 1, 23, 34 and 37.

            Failures, along with unmet hopes and dreams, are often magnified in our minds during this time of year, and comparison to others seems to come naturally: Years ago, while heading down I-55 to visit my mother for the Christmas break, my thinking turned to, once again, I’m returning to my childhood home alone. With these thoughts came visions of people from my past, now married and who would be returning to their childhood homes with happy and perfect families in tow. In those moments my mind screamed, you’re an inadequate failure.

            It would be several years before I realized that some of those flawless marriages had ended in divorce. Could that holiday when their lives seemed so perfect in my thoughts have been the worst they had experienced?

I once listened to a young woman as she compared herself to the Facebook postings of a friend’s idyllic life. What had not been posted were the secrets and lies that soon caused the family to fall apart.

            I’m not suggesting that we find strength in others’ failings. My point is the presentation of perfection is often not a reality.

            Generally, the biggest battles are in our mind. Because this time of year heightens our awareness of loss, a certain amount of grief is real. It’s when we let those pictures in our minds and thoughts become reality to us that we can get into trouble.

Philippians 4:8 reads: Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. This scripture reminded me of a time when a cherished relationship ended and he married someone else. I was alone in a new city, and my mind was fertile with thoughts of what are they doing now? They are so much happier than I. Relying on this scripture, each time thoughts of the couple’s idyllic existence came to mind, I shut the reflections down with, I don’t know if this is true; therefore, it’s not where my mind needs to dwell. This exercise worked to quickly move me from comparing myself to living my life.

            It’s Just a Meal: Some people might be shaking their fists at me for such a thought that Thanksgiving Day or Christmas day could be referred to a just a meal; yet, sometimes it’s what can get us through the holiday. I first heard this concept when a friend told me that her newly divorced daughter wanted to get away with friends for the Thanksgiving holiday rather than celebrate with family. My friend who loved her daughter and no doubt would rather have had her home said; “It’s just a meal.” The mother realized that the space her daughter needed was more important than the holiday meal and all it represented.

            I love traditions and am so grateful that a friend’s family has taken me in for the Thanksgiving holidays and my sister and her family host me at Christmas. These are memories to cherish. The reality though is that things happen and celebrating may not be possible. This is when one can often find relief in being good to him/herself, and realizing—it’s a day.

When life has turned upside down, maybe it’s time to celebrate differently: The first year she was a widow, my mother came to Houston for Thanksgiving.  Because I was working in a church much of my Thanksgiving morning was taken up with worship. Later that afternoon the two of us went looking for a restaurant to have a nice meal, but most places were closed. Finally, we found a small bistro. The fact that there were very few people there probably should have told us something, but we couldn’t be choosy. Upon completing a meal that was good, we looked up and saw a bug walk across the table. Now, neither my mother or I were bug people, but it was so bazaar that we just started laughing. In years to come, it was that strange, out of the ordinary Thanksgiving that we remembered and laughed about so often. I must also say, it was my mother’s last Thanksgiving Day in Houston!

            One way through sadness it to give away what you don’t have: While joy and happiness may not be a part of your feelings, maybe you can give them to someone else. I was moved by a man telling the story of his uncle. He wasn’t married, and didn’t live in much of a house, but every year he would buy gifts and take them to children whose families couldn’t afford toys.

            Think about it. He didn’t have all of the trappings that seem to make for a happy holiday, but in making others happy he first had to plan what to buy, actually purchase the gifts, and then deliver them. Did his reaching out end there? No. I can imagine that all through the holidays in his mind instead of seeing what he didn’t have, he saw the happy faces of children with something new and of parents relieved for the provisions they couldn’t afford. Thoughts of bringing happiness to another can be therapeutic.

            Sometimes the celebrations don’t happen. The hostess told of how she almost had to call of her Thanksgiving celebration because of illness. People get sick, planes don’t fly, people let us down, and we can find ourselves alone.

            I was working and taking a graduate course. Because the exam was to be the Friday after Thanksgiving, my plan was to stay home and study on Thanksgiving. Try as I might, the concentration was not there and little studying was done. It was a holiday and being alone was not fun.  That afternoon, I had a “come to truth” meeting with myself and admitted my life was on a negative track. First, though studying was necessary, it was also an excuse because there were no invitations for the big day. I had narrowed my living to include very few people and few experiences, and when that didn’t work, there was no one or anything to pick up the slack. It was obviously time to open myself up to new encounters and friends. Some plans that impacted my future were set forth that day and it was the beginning of a healthier lifestyle.

            Being alone on these special days is not fun. It may mean you just have to be good to yourself or possibly as I did, figure out what happened.

            To summarize this rather lengthy article, during the holidays:

1.    The sense of loss may be heightened. Allow yourself the time to grieve, and if you need time alone, don’t feel guilty.

2.    Even though it may seem inconceivable, that person with the perfect life might not be any happier or as happy as you. Things are not always as they seem.

3.    When life happens, dare to do something differently. Have the best time you can and this might be a time you look back on with the fondest of memories.

4.    If your mind is filled with sadness, possibly that’s the time to shift gears, plan for someone else’s happiness and give away the joy you only wish to have.

5.    I once asked a young woman who had faced an unwanted divorce how she got through it. Her response was that one of the helps was her study of the Psalms on a daily basis.

Obviously, I believe acknowledging and dealing with sadness at this time of year is important. Yet, just as notable is the reality that our troubles do not give us the right to try and make everyone else suffer and feel our unhappiness. If you are so fortunate as to have people with whom to celebrate, put your sadness aside and be a person everyone is glad to have with them. Also, in this gathering you might have an assignment from God. A grandmother told me how the family was gathered and busy, but her husband was sitting alone. One of his grandsons, whose life was not where he wanted it, went over and began a lengthy conversation with his grandfather. The two found something where they had a common interest and had a lengthy conversation. On that day no one knew it would be the grandfather’s last family gathering. Sadness does not preclude God having a plan and purpose for you.

I realize that there’s so much more to the meaning of Christmas than our feelings, but we are human and too often we need to be able to work through the negative in order to celebrate the birth of Christ.       

The following words by Dean W. Nelson were put forth in song and I use them as an ending prayer for all who might find themselves experiencing pain during this joyful season:

Signs of endings all around us, darkness, death, and winter days shroud our lives in fear and sadness, numbing mouths that long to praise.

Come O Christ and dwell among us! Hear our cries, come set us free.

Give us hope and faith and gladness. Show us what there yet can be.