But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:15 (New International Version)

Can We Find Freedom in Forgiveness? How?

While experiencing the feelings of grief and anger over the loss of lives of children and teachers in yet another mass shooting, I couldn’t escape the reality that a part of moving forward meant included forgiveness. Why is forgiveness so important in God’s eyes? How can we forgive someone who inflicts deep pain into our lives? Some might say, “Well, you just have to forgive.” For me, though, that’s just not enough.  

Years ago, I was a student chaplain in an alcoholics’ ward. Totally unprepared for this ministry, I constantly asked the supervising chaplain, “What do we do?” A question constantly ignored. At the end of the course, he said to me, “I didn’t answer you because I thought you were just trying to please me, but I now realize all you wanted was information.”

He was right. I am a “how to” person. Just give me a guide and I’m on my way. Figuring it out doesn’t seem to be in my DNA. There are some things, however, that are not so easily mapped out, and forgiveness is one of them; yet, this is an act that is necessary to free us from the past so we can walk forward into a new life.

Needing some “how to” information, I turned to a friend I will call Jenny who told me her story. The workplace atmosphere was toxic for me. One of the biggest hurdles was my boss. He seemed to have no filters when it came to screaming and embarrassing me, and many was the time I was reduced to tears. Feeling weak and confused I finally left that lethal place, but the humiliation and pain I suffered went with me as did a broken spirit. There was no escaping that while trying to move forward, the impact of his abuse filled my heart and life. In all honesty, I despised him, but I also knew that no matter my feelings I had to forgive, but how?

My forgiveness was a process. The only forgiveness I could give at first was intentional forgiveness. Though filled with anger, often I would go to God and say, “Lord, I forgive this person.”

The intentional act, however, did little to buffer the pain and anger that wouldn’t go away? What to do? I realized that my problems didn’t give me the right to hurt another, so it became necessary to find a safe place to deal with these very real negative feelings. The forgiveness process became one where on the one hand I would intentionally forgive but on the other hand would spew forth the rage that filled my being. It was as if these feelings were poisons that had a control over me and had to be exorcised.

I also realized I had to forgive myself for not being stronger and standing up to my boss. His attacks made me feel weak and ineffectual which is exactly what they were meant to do. The reality was there was nothing in my reserves of experiences that prepared me for such cruelty. Instead of beating myself up, I understood this was a learning experience.

There was no quick fix in this journey of forgiveness, but finally, one day his name came to mind. Normally, any thought of this man produced a sense of rage, but on that day, there was no anger, it was just another name. His power over me was broken.

I’ve realized that as long as we are seeking revenge, to show someone up, or trying to get even we are still embondaged to that negative situation. Forgiveness took work, but it freed me to leave the poison behind.

            Thoughts on Jenny’s story:

1.      She constantly sought out God by intentionally forgiving even though the feeling didn’t agree.

2.      She found a safe place to deal with her rage.

3.      She realized her pain didn’t give her the right to inflict pain onto another.

4.      She stayed with the process until the forgiveness was complete and that other person had no influence on her life.

For sure, forgiveness is difficult and revenge might feel better at the moment, but it also keeps us tethered to a painful past.

A Summary of Forgiveness:

1.     Forgiveness is not condoning an action.

2.    Intentional forgiveness can be instant, but getting the forgiveness from our head to our heart may be a process.

3.     Forgiveness does not necessarily mean letting another in our life.

4.    Forgiveness is not the same as passivity.  In fact, the freedom of forgiveness can lead us into positive and active pursuits.

5.    Finally, forgiveness is not for the other person. It is about freeing oneself to pursue a positive life.

In my opinion, Josh Billings, American Humorist, said it best:

      There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.

Always remember, You Don’t Have to Walk Alone
 

 

 

 

 

 


  

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